Lovin' Spoonful

This weekend was one of those weekends...it is almost impossible to put into words everything that went down and still get the message across about how horrible it was. I can't believe that I can still keep it together.

Cloudy, dreary morning. The sun didn't come up until it was time to leave for work. Even Grace said that maybe the clocks were wrong.

I had a moment of joy this morning when the boys had already left on the bus and I found Grace in the kitchen. She was writing on the glass of the screen door in the condensation, making squeaking noises, and just for a second there it was so peaceful and real. That's the best way I can explain it. She wrote her grandma's name on the door, and she was so proud. I picked her up in a squeezy hug and she was giggling and it was pure bliss. Some moments of reality are brighter and more there than others.

After work, I came home and Garrett asked if he could ride his bike to the library so he could "read his book in peace and quiet." How the hell could I refuse that?

Grace begged for chocolate chip cookies. I said we didn't have any. She said, "But you can make some!"

She's a smart one. I got out the stuff, and she fell asleep on the couch. Preschool wears her out.

Drew just watched TV. The house was silent.

Peace...

I turned on Cloud Cult and made the recipe for chocolate chip cookies from 1,000 Vegan Recipes. And in the midst of the mixing, the measuring, the smell of afternoon coffee brewing, I felt the peace permeate throughout me. I felt a little healed.

The cookie dough was the best freaking cookie dough ever. I kid you not.

Did I fall into this job working with special ed. students so that I would know that Drew needed help? So that I would know how to get him that help?

How can I ever regret one second of my life, when it all lead up to this very moment, this very life in which I am a mother, a stressed-out overwhelmed mother, but a mother to these three beautiful people?

Every decision I ever made, every person I ever met, every thought I ever thought, led me here to this home. And to these cookies.

I think I will survive.