Happy Birthday to Me

Yes, today I am 32 years old. Even writing that number sounds old to me. I feel like I am still waiting to grow up and do the things I want to do (see last post). Mainly, I want to do some serious writing in my 30's, and actually publish something that will make me a little money. I want desperately to write this novel that is growing in my mind. But to write a great novel, it seems like you have to drown yourself in it, live and breathe and sleep and eat the characters and their lives. Let everything in the real world around you just fall to the side. I can't do that with three children and a home to take care of. I will try to write a little at a time. Keep notes on my ideas. Do as much as I can.

I have discovered a pain that is worse than childbirth, and it is called TMD. Being healthy has become quite difficult, as I care less and less the more pain I am in. The pain is not always worse than childbirth, but it was a couple of times. One night I thought I might die, in fact I wished I would, so the pain would stop. Poor Grace just stared at me as I cried. But eventually the meds kicked in. I have had many tests done, X-rays, blood work, MRI. Then I go see my chiropractor and he says it's TMD. Kind of like I figured it was before all the tests. I have been getting adjustments, but it's still there. I take an ungodly amount of ibuprofen in a day. Other meds that don't seem to do anything. I have been eating a lot of chocolate, craving it like I might die if I don't get some. I'm sure my hormones are all crazy, my seratonin levels are low, and these pills are going to give me an ulcer. Waiting to get in to the "Great" Mayo Clinic to see what they can do, and how high my bill can get. No appointment until June 20.

I did an interview for the paper the other day that was extremely difficult. A few years ago I did one that I thought was the hardest I had ever done, and that was a boy from Thailand that spoke about 5 words of English. He carried this little dictionary with him, but it was brutal. And then I had to write an article about him. Last Friday I did one that was difficult in a different way. This woman had a daughter that committed suicide last summer, and she is going to go to NYC to do an overnight walk called "Out of the Darkness" to raise awareness of mental illness and suicide. It's done by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. We had coffee and talked for a long time, and it was obvious that it caused her a lot of pain to talk about her daughter, and that she had loved her daughter deeply. A lot of people did. And yet she still felt so much pain and loneliness that she didn't want to live anymore. This woman's face haunted me the rest of the day, and still does. I have to write that article today, and she wants to read it. I feel a lot of pressure to do it well, to do her and her daughter justice. But I feel it's very important. I knew it would be uncomfortable to do this story for personal reasons, but I wanted to do it. I truly believe that we should do things, even if we're uncomfortable with it, or scared or nervous. Step out of our comfort zones and just do it anyway. The rewards are worth it, the spiritual growth and character it builds will be worth it. It just won't be easy. But coming out the other side can be the most exhilarating experience. It can change your life.

This isn't the most cheerful birthday blog. But I think the rest of the day will be better.