We got the test results back on Tuesday and now there is even more confusion. She tested negative for celiac, but her liver function test was elevated. No clue what that means. We are seeing a GI specialist next Wed. and hopefully he/she can help. Obviously there is some reason Grace is not digesting well, and we need to find out. Maybe it's more food allergies, who knows? I also heard that the celiac testing is notoriously inaccurate, so there's still a question about that. And then the doctor (actually a nurse practitioner) asked me if there was any family history of cystic fibrosis. Why would she do that? She knows I'm an internet junkie and I'm going to look it up and get freaked out. Anyway, I did look it up, and I really don' t think that's the problem.
In the past 6 months or so I have learned so much and it's mainly due to the people around me and Grace's health issues. I worked at a cafe and my boss opened my eyes to the faults of modern medicine, the dangers of artificial sweeteners, vaccinations and fluoride. She's quite the conspiracy theorist! Then I switched to cloth diapers, and got turned on to mothering.com and several other websites. I have become aware of this thing called Attachment Parenting that I never knew had a name. I believe that I was made to be this kind of parent, and never knew that these things were OK and even good for the child. I let my firstborn cry it out in his crib while I cried downstairs because the magazines and books and docs said that was best. I didn't feel in my heart that it was right, although it did work and he didn't cry after that. He just wanted me to hold him, and I just wanted to hold him. What's wrong with that? I was always into natural childbirth and breastfeeding, and I breastfed past a year with all my kids despite criticism from all around me. And I think I was born to have a baby in a sling. And I will never get to do that. When my children were babies, I did not want to share them, ever. At family gatherings everyone wanted to hold my baby, and I would never get to see him/her. I didn't like that. I liked it when the baby was hungry so I could take him away and nurse him and hold him all by myself. I never got tired of being around my baby, and never longed to get away. When I was away, I would miss my baby and couldn't wait to get back. I still feel that way about Grace, I have no desire for a break from her. I do, however, require a break from my boys once in a while. But then I miss them, and I feel so happy when I see them again. I took all my newborns to bed with me for the first 6 weeks or so, despite everyone being afraid I would smother them. Garrett slept with me from the time he was almost 2 until he was 5. It was wonderful. My husband worked nights, so it was just him and me snuggling. However, I was made to feel guilty about this and like there was something wrong with it by everything I read and heard. And then when Drew wanted to come in bed with me, I wouldn't let him because I didn't want to start another "bad habit." I feel sick about that now. I feel bitter that I didn't discover these things earlier, that what I felt was right was OK to do. I wish I could go back and do it all with cloth diapers, home births, baby slings and no spanking. I would change a lot of things, as I'm sure many people would. But what I can do now is take what I have learned and live my life the best I can and be the best mother I can. They have taught me so much about myself.
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