That Time of Year

This year, for the first time, I have been trying to analyze why it is that I hate Christmas so much. Why do I get a visceral reaction when someone brings it up in October, or when someone says they have finished their shopping already in November, or tells me how many days until Christmas. Why do I refuse to talk about what we are doing this year for all the families and where are we going and when and how are we going to plan this and afford that and when are we going to get all the shopping done, the tree up, the wrapping, etc.? I actually feel like crying or dying when the subject comes up. I want to run away to Mexico and drink margaritas all day and forget all about it. I LOATHE it.

I am tired of loathing it. There is nothing I can do about it. Christmas comes and goes every single year.

It's not really that hard to figure out my aversion to the holiday. It holds no religious meaning for me, so it's not like I can fall back on that. I have tried to remember Christmas celebrations of my childhood, and have come up with the realization that they all sucked. Not every detail of it, but enough so that the bad feelings have stuck with me for years and years. I can even tell of recent years that have sucked, so it's not like it was just when I was a kid. The whole drama of all my different families and feeling pulled in a hundred different directions at once has really depressed me over the years. I don't like that. I want to enjoy my families. I love my families.

What I don't love is big crowds and high expectations and pressure and stress and the feeling I am being judged or criticized or scrutinized, or that my children and my parenting skills are being scrutinized, and oh my god, is that a girl toy Garrett is playing with?

Okay, I must stop being so bitter. But it's hard. It is really hard.

To me, Christmas is too many people everywhere I go. It's crazy people spending tons of money on stupid stuff. It's commercialism. It's trying to appeal to my kids so I buy them a bunch of crap made in China. It's cold and snow and winter. Bah. Humbug.

But I am not a mean, evil person. I enjoy making Christmas cookies with my kids. I enjoy drinking boxed wine at my dad's house when we get together. I enjoy seeing how excited my kids are to play in the first big snowfall of the year. I enjoy watching Drew write a letter to Santa and draw him a nice picture. I love A Charlie Brown Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life. I love buying people things and watching the joy in my kids.

I guess I just need for it to be low-key. Small groups of people. Let my husband do the shopping, and I will wrap and make the food and cookies I want to make. It's going to take some hard work on my part, but my plan is to not let it get to me every year. I will never be raving about how I love Christmas, but I can at least not feel like I'm going to throw up about it, right?

I will make it through. I will feel some joy and calm and peace. Especially when I get to that wine.