Strange Days

I went shopping with my little sister Mikel and her friend Steph last night, and we brought Grace with us. We went to Wal-Mart because she wanted to buy a new bikini for her trip to Mexico with the church's youth group. So we are in Wal-Mart, and we get separated. She doesn't have her cell phone with, so I just kind of wander, thinking about how much I hate Wal-Mart and the fact that I keep giving them my money. But I won't get into that now. My jaw started to hurt, and I knew I had to get out of there and to my van, where I had some ibuprofen. But Mikel had some of her makeup in my cart, and I couldn't find her. I started to feel panicky. Grace was reaching into the cart and throwing things on the ground, her diapers, my purse and its contents, etc. The pain was increasing. I could feel the numbness in my right arm, the throbbing in my temple. Finally she appeared and I told her I had to go. She offered to take Grace, so I got my stuff out of the cart, and started to walk away. I had a lot of stuff in my arms, including a large pack of toilet paper. Naturally, I dropped something and I turned to see that it was a bottle of hydrogen peroxide. Some man picked it up for me, but it had broken and spilled. I went to find someone, my heart racing. They got it cleaned up for me. I bought my stuff and got out of there, getting into my van. I noticed the car next to me because it was pretty junky and there were like 6 or 7 empty packs of Marlboro reds on the dash. I took my pills, put in a Wallflowers CD and leaned my head back to relax and breathe through the pain until it passed. When I looked out the window, this old guy was sitting in the car smoking away. There was a haze of smoke around him, and he looked out the window at me and said, "You have great black hair, I like it," in this raspy I've-been-smoking-for-about-forty-years voice. I mumbled thanks and turned away, closing my eyes again. He wasn't leaving, he was waiting for someone like I was. After a few minutes I briefly thought about asking him for a cigarette, but the moment passed. I didn't want to encourage him. Finally he left.

We went to a Chinese restaurant that had a buffet. It was a bit expensive, but I so rarely get the opportunity to go since my husband hates Chinese food (what was I thinking when I married him??). Grace was really good , laughing and making faces and being so damn cute. She ate the stuff I brought for her, then I got her some plain white rice and some vegetables from the buffet. It was a blast, I drank tea and had Chinese veggies, vegetable lo mein and egg drop soup. Delicious. Mikel and Stephanie were funny, and we laughed and made jokes and acted like teenagers (which they are). Hanging out with them makes me feel young.

I have recently been forced to resort to stronger and more habit-forming drugs to control the pain. I can see why they are habit-forming. I can only take them at night since I get kind of dizzy and feel like I have had a few drinks. Things seem surreal and dream-like. No driving for me when I take them. I think next week I will be starting acupuncture. I really think that could help me. I would much rather try some alternative methods of healing than go to Mayo and spend thousands on drugs and surgery and unnecessary, expensive stuff like that. I hope that it helps. I want to enjoy my summer, without the hazy cycle of pain, pills and fatigue. I am determined that I will. I am going to focus on relaxation, yoga, and whole-body nutrition to help the healing process and get over this. Wish me luck.