The other night I leaned over to kiss my son good night. He was lying on his stomach, and he jerked his head up really fast, ramming it right into my mouth. My top tooth went right into my lip, and I bled like crazy. He started crying, I ran downstairs to get a washcloth. Yuck. My lip swelled up and looked like raw hamburger. I whined a little. It hurt like hell. I would be terrible in a fight. Now my tongue won't leave it alone, I keep playing with it. But it's getting better.
I can't count the number of bumps, bruises and bites I have received over the years due to my children. It's funny, because I would hear all these horror stories before I had kids about losing sleep, cleaning up puke, poopy diapers, temper tantrums, etc. and I would get really scared. I really didn't think I would ever be able to handle it. The fact that they never leave you alone, are always pestering you for something. Even today my lunch sat at the table getting cold before I got a chance to finish it. It was one thing after the other. And then Grace had a poopy diaper. That's always when it happens. But now that I am a mother, I do all these things and bear all these difficulties and annoyances without even a thought. When Garrett was a baby, he was up every two hours in the night nursing for a long time, and I worked full time. I was exhausted. Now I don't know how I did it, but I did. And I didn't mind. I miss those nights now, rocking him in the chair, singing soft lullabies to him, kissing the side of his face as he lay with his head on my shoulder. I don't mind these things now because someday they will grow up and be gone, and I will want these days back. I think all mothers feel this way about their children. Not that everything is perfect and great all the time. There have been countless days when the boys drive me crazy, and I just need a break from them. Even Grace is getting to the point where there are times I am relieved when it is her bedtime. They can be so exhausting.
I tend to digress, I know. I have had many things going through my mind at all times, causing me to forget easily, to have less energy, and to care less if laundry gets done. But I am working hard at it. Yesterday I had music playing and Grace was on the floor, dancing away, a big grin on her face. She wiggles her little hips, and it makes me laugh. It lifted my spirits a lot. Someday when I figure out how, I will post some video clips on here. For now, pictures will have to suffice.
A few weeks ago, I was in Minneapolis with my dad and my little sister Alicia at the Weisman Museum (at the U of M). Right now they have a huge Bob Dylan exhibit, showcasing his early days and the first 10 years he was famous. If you can get there, I highly recommend it. It's free. And you are surrounded by images of Dylan, sounds of Dylan, and people who also love Dylan. I sat in the corner with headphones on listening to a recording of his first ever concert, and although I was among hundreds of people, for a moment I closed my eyes and was all alone with Dylan and his guitar. He was playing a song from the first bootleg series, I can't remember now which one. They had these little cubicles where you could sit and listen to his albums. I sat alone in one and listened to "Positively Fourth Street." One of my favorite things was this wall that was covered with Dylan lyrics, tiny little letters stenciled on somehow. I want my house to be covered with that, to read his words everyday.
A few things that I can't get out of my mind lately:
Alicia singing "The Times They are A-Changin'" in the back of my van
Holding my grandma's hand and knowing that cancer is growing inside her
Holding Grace and dancing slowly to Leonard Cohen's "Waiting for the Miracle," feeling the vibrations on my feet, my eyes shut
The smell of Grace's hair
When a certain someone hugged me and cried so unexpectedly
Connecting with a musician at a bar over some obscure bands, discussing Dylan and other musicians with him while my dad played the blues on stage
The thought of my cousin sitting alone in his house doing meth, wasting his life away
The sound, smell and sight of snow melting, the sun shining, and how that somehow makes me want to die.
That's all for now.
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