Maybe if I write this all in here, it will sink into my head and I will make a much-needed change in my life. Maybe. I believe that I have a serious addiction to chocolate. Every day I tell myself I will stop tomorrow, and every day I give in very easily to temptation, despite the fact that the numbers on the scale are getting higher and I feel disgusting, sluggish and miserable. I don't know why I do this, but I have some guesses. First of all, I get a momentary high that has been scientifically proven to occur when consuming chocolate. My blood sugar goes up, then it crashes, and I need more. A vicious cycle. I have been using my light box every morning with the hopes of increasing my energy levels and maybe helping my seratonin levels to reach normal, and possibly help these cravings for carbs. Not having these things around would help, but I still search the cupboards in a desperate attempt to find anything sweet in the house. I feel like a madwoman then, like if I don't get my fix, I might die. I know it's ridiculous. When I eat healthy, lots of good veggies and delicious fresh fruit, natural whole nutritious foods, I feel wonderful. I feel light, energetic and sexy. Right now I feel fat, tired and ugly. So it is a self-hatred thing? Do I feel like I don't deserve to feel good and be healthy? Am I punishing myself for some real or imagined sin I've commited? Or is that just too deep, and it's just that chocolate is so freaking good? I don't know. I think one of my problems is that I over-analyze everything. The more sweets I eat, the more I crave them, so I have to stop. Now. With ten tons of Halloween goodies in the house. My stomach hurts, my teeth hurt and I feel like puking. I need one of my good salads, with lettuce, avocado, mushrooms, chickpeas, and fake bacon bits, with a little french dressing on top. Followed by a juicy ripe nectarine. Now I feel better. That's good.